The weird English lady from the playground

When we moved to rural Bavaria, in southern Germany my eldest child was 19 months old. I made a HUGE effort to make friends for her - she was already a really sociable child and I had huge guilt about uprooting her from her friends - she was used to socialising a lot, as I was a fully booked up child minder in the UK and also spent a lot of time with friends I'd met at antenatal class, and went to every toddlers group going.  So when we got here I spent every moment possible in the village playground, and joined a local toddlers group. 

I spoke hardly any German when we got here - I have never really studied it, my husband is German but soon after we met I started studying to become a teacher so I never got around to learning German!  I just got the hang of asking people their child's name and age and some set platitudes :/

After we'd been here 4 and a bit months it was her 2nd birthday - we had a big party for her, we invited every family with vaguely similar aged children we had met in the village - 50 people came in all.  It wasn't easy as I was 9 months pregnant (my older kids are 24 months and 1 day apart), but people appreciated it (and the fact I was 9 months pregnant - I was huge - all the clearing up was done for me :) ).  I think that party was a big step towards integrating ourselves, and the kids.

Since then I have made sure I know who my children's friends are, who they might potentially be going to school with, everything I can about the kids, and I have an open house - most of the time there are 5 or so kids here in the afternoons (3 are mine) unless my eldest 2 are elsewhere.  There are always conversations going on between other mums at Kindergarten about who will be starting school when, what will happen if there are too many or too few children for a class, who is being held back and who isn't etc. - it is good to be part of these conversations.  If you work it must be much harder, but if you stay home it is really good to do the standard shortish KiGa day and pick up and drop off at the standard times (8.30-12-30 at ours) as that way you see most parents and get involved in more conversations.

It also helps if your children join the same clubs as their classmates - for us its football - there is practice every week plus tournaments every 3 weeks or so, and loads of the conversations go on there whilst watching.

I have found people more than happy to use me as free childcare - its a pain in some ways but it does integrate your kids! :)  There are always neighbour kids in and out of our house in summer.

It is kind of a full time job making sure you are part of things - but my daughter is at a sleep over now, and my 5 year old son's playdate has just been picked up.  I already know who in the village my 2 year old will be starting Kindergarten with, and the other mums are equally keen to foster the friendships even before Kindergarten starts, so they'll know people when they start.

I don't have close German friends but I talk to everyone, wheel out platitudes I don't mean, watch 5 year olds' football matches even though I hate football ... it's kind of what you have to do... I accept being the slightly erm - eccentric - English woman who always hangs out in the playground, and people seem to like to know me - even if I have to accept its because English is an important school subject and its useful to have somebody to phone and ask about the difference between "she runs" and "she is running", and because some of the more pushy mums hope their kids will pick up some English by spending time at ours (they have a point - I always speak English to my kids, and my 7 year old's 100% German best friend, whom she has been inseparable from since she was 3, now understands me when I speak English and replies in German).

On the birthday parties etc. I kind of feel you have to go one way or the other - if you only invite 2 classmates they may be afraid to attend, thinking the party will be "in English" - my kids chose who to invite and only invite KiGa/ school friends, so who is going becomes a "theme" - if 8 girls from the class are going, then it becomes "cool" to be going to Anna's party, and they all turn up, and invite her back...

What I am trying to say is - yes, you have to make a really big effort if you want your child to integrate.  It is worth it though.  For me I think it might have come at the expense of building an ex-pat circle for myself, but I can handle that, as I am 37, not 7 ;)

I do think where we live has played into my kids' integration, as we are really rural so there is a smaller "pool" of children, and if you make friends in the village you know they will go to school and Kindergarten with you - this probably does make a huge difference.  It also means everyone knows who I am, and who my kids are, and if they know who we are, they are happy to drop their kids off at my front door and pick them up 3 hours later, despite the fact I speak dodgy German :)  Also my neighbors are really nosey so I guess they want to get their kids into my house to report back ;)

I do have lots of problems and issues with the Bavarian school system, and with feeling connected here myself, but I still see my children very settled here, and with lots of their own genuine, local German, friends.